I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
