I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
