On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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