Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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