Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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