Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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