why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think I won the penis lottery.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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