i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
