Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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