I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
