I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
