i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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