you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
