please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
