Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
