We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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