Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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