saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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