dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
