she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I enjoy the company of your penis
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
