i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
