just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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