I wish my penis had an off switch
so explain again why im purple
no
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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