At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
