I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
