he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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