he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
