I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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