3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
