New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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