How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
