remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
