my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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