she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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