Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
