Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
