Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
