Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
whose parrot is this?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
