We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
