Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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