Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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