when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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