I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
