and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
false alarm, still single
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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