i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
