I wish my penis had an off switch
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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