he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
