At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
