I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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