I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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