Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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