I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
